A Song That Describes Me

This took a few minutes to figure out. There are a few ways to interpret this heading, but once I sat on it for a little bit, a song by my favorite singer/songwriter popped into my mind. During the beginning of the summer of 2009, I started listening to Jewel, mainly because I found her videos on youtube. Towards the end of that summer, I decided to buy the concert dvd that I already knew all the songs to from youtube, along with her latest album at the time, Lullaby. One of the songs that actually took a while to grow on me was Grey Matter. I don't really know why, but for whatever reason I wasn't really a fan of it a first, but one day I played it about ten times straight and really started liking it.

The interesting thing about the song is that even though I'm pretty certain that it's a love song of sorts, I read a comment of someone saying she wrote it to herself. When I listened to it a few more times, I actually really understood that. Although I feel like I am totally comfortable with myself and who I've become over the years, there's always this feeling, that comes every now and then, perhaps on a bad day, that there's a flaw in me. Well, not so much that I have a flaw, we all have them...but more like that flaw really bothers me. "I hate you / But I love you." That really is a potent phrase. I imagine looking in the mirror and saying that line, though I never remember doing that.

It's just a very interesting concept, how everyone seems to judge themselves so much. I think that comes from fear of being judged by others, partly, but it's mostly just inner restlessness. I took a look at that in my own life and realized I do all the time, subconsciously. I filled up a notebook or two with writing, just short stories and poems, but, really I have hardly filled one with stuff I like. I judge my own writing so much, it's unbelievable. The first notebook I started seriously writing in has stuff X'd out, pages ripped and torn, phrases and words turned into doodles I drew over them so much. It's an interesting thing, in my opinion. It's just another flaw that's "telling me I'm dirty and licking my bones" I guess...

Anyway, the song really gives me a feeling of "am I being to hard on myself?" The answer is always yes. Some days I hate my hair, my smile, my teeth, my nose, the shape of my face, my hands, fingernails...the list is endless. I realize, though, I don't actually hate them. How could I? It's just the things that make me, me; I'm a totally unique person. Every single thing about it me is different than every. single. other. person. in. the. WORLD. And that's the case forever. It's a crazy thing to think about. So why should I ever say I don't like some physical feature about myself? It doesn't make sense.

Anyway, the point is that this song really takes self doubt and self-consciousness and really points it out. Self doubt has been a huge issue for me, I think, for a long time, although I think I hide it pretty well in most cases. But, by pointing it out, it lets me fight against it. For example (and this is also advice Jewel said in one of her live Ustream chats before her 2010 album release) I have been making an attempt to write every day and not really be too worried about what I put out there, whether intended for other people's eyes or not.

I hope all that makes sense...

Jewel - Grey Matter

Just to add something else to possibly my longest post yet, one of the reasons I like Jewel so much is her ability to sing these melancholy songs and not sound depressed. This post probably makes me sound a bit depressed, myself, but I know for a fact I am far from it.
She also doesn't use a setlist for her shows, which is really cool, she just does what she feels like and takes requests from the audience.
She also has like 300 unrecorded songs, which is amazing. I look up to that a lot.
She also writes all her own music and often sings solo acoustic.
She ALSO has a close relationship with her fans, which is very cool.
Need I go on?